Thank you all for your interaction with these posts. It's a hard subject to tackle, and I certainly don't have it all figured out, but I enjoy discussing it. Ultimately, everyone's story and situation is different, but through this we see God's creativity at work!
This post especially is more for the unmarried girls... What characteristics must your future husband have? What I've written isn't intended as a "shopping list," but as honest thoughts... okay, and a little dreaming thrown in. :) Guys are certainly welcome to read as well, and if you care to comment, I know we'd enjoy hearing what you're looking for in a girl. If you're married, is your spouse like the one you imagined you'd marry? I look forward to hearing what you all have to say on this topic!
"'Then what kind of man wilt thou love?' 'Someone heroic and valient, not merely skilled in speech. Someone who is kind and pure in heart. Someone who does not play with white roses that belong to others." - From Before You Meet Prince Charming by Sarah Malley
So, who
am I waiting for? I don't know his name. I call him "My Dearest," a name I came up with when I was 15. It's much nicer than referring to him as "the unknown one," or some other such name! =)
Like every maiden, I have my moments of wondering, of dreaming... Do I know him? Or have I never laid eyes on him? Will the sparks fly when we first meet, or will it be a growing, deepening attraction? What does he look like? What's his name? What are his interests, his passions? What does he want to be? What are his goals in life?
I can wonder, but I don't have a set list of what those things
have to be. I'm pretty adaptable and can get along with varying temperaments, as long as they are Christ-like. As to looks, I've never had a particular attraction to only one type of physique. Okay, so I'd
really like him to be at least my height or preferably taller (I've never liked the thought of having to look down on my husband!) - but even this isn't a prerequisite. It's a preference; ultimately
character is more important than height. I've known many happy women whose husbands are shorter.
Another preference was that of age - I wanted my husband to be older than I, thus seemingly easier to follow. But as I've seen many immature older guys and a few solid and wise younger men, I've determined that
maturity is more important than age. Younger or older, he must be one I can respect.
It's easy to write up a long list of what I'm waiting for, and I've even done it a time or two. But I don't expect him to have mastered the character traits I've written. Everyone - myself included! - is a work in progress. All I ask is that he be growing in character and have evidence of fruit in his life.
The top non-negotiable is that he must be a Christian - a Bible-believing, growing, and steadfast Christian. I'd love for him to have grown up in a Christian home as I have, but even if he is the first Christian in his family, the test is whether he is sincere, passionate, and committed to following Christ no matter the cost. Being with him should spur me on to greater faith in the Lord.
He should be a gentleman, thinking of others above himself. Is he kind? Compassionate? Slow to anger? Humble? Quick to apologize and forgive others? Trustworthy? Strong and steadfast in what is good? Generous? Joyful? I don't expect him to be perfect, for I'm certainly not! But he should be striving to be daily molded and refined into Christ-likeness.
There are other crucial questions to consider...
What kind of husband would he be? Is he committed to life-long marriage, with divorce not an option? Will he follow God's direction as he leads his family? Would he try to love me as Christ loves the church? Will he want me to be a keeper at home as I wife and mother?
Would he make a good father? This is a huge one for me: he must want children - as many as God wants to bless us with - and desire to home educate them. I have wanted a large family since before I can remember, and I really desire to teach them at home. This may not be near the top of the list for every girl, but it is one that is important to me. It would be fun if he came from a large family and was homeschooled himself, but even if he's an only child and went to public school, that will be fine, as long he desires children of his own and wants to homeschool them. Together, we will train and teach them to know and love God.
Another good test of character is whether he is committed to working diligently and not going into debt (except, perhaps, when buying a house). The first years may be lean ones, but there are many ways to live frugally (I've read all three volumes of
The Tightwad Gazette after all!) and the benefits of saving and paying cash are numerous.
He must be committed to purity and waiting for God's timing. In this world, I know that he may have made mistakes, but if he has truly repented and is now seeking to live a set-apart life, who am I to hold the past against him? I don't expect him to have the same exact views of courtship (there are so many out there!), but if he is committed to involving our parents and honoring God in our relationship, all should be well.
Other things are more or less preferences. My dad and brothers are examples of how I'd like my man to be, but abilities and interests are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. He should be committed to purity and holiness in what he reads and watches, but I don't expect his favorite books and movies to be the same as mine. I don't care much for sports, but could learn to like them if he does - as long as he doesn't devote
all of his time to watching them. It would be nice if he could fix things around the house, but I don't expect him to be as all-around handy-man as my dad. He may have never danced or cared to, but I hope he'll at least try it - with me. =) Coming from a musical family as I do, it would be nice if he played an instrument and/or sang, but it's not necessary. I do hope he at least enjoys music though, for there's bound to be a lot around. :)
As to profession - entrepreneur, doctor, engineer, writer, carpenter, big-city businessman or country farmer - it doesn't matter. He should be able to provide for a family, and above all be seeking to glorify God in whatever he does. Jasmine's post "
Oh, Lord, May I Marry... A Plumber" is a good read that I can relate to.
A great question to ask, which I've heard many people advocate, is "Will we be able to serve God better together than apart?" Our marriage shouldn't just be for fun or to ease the loneliness, though those are reasons for marriage. Together, we should glorify God, as marriage is a picture of Christ's relationship with the church. It's a big responsibility, one not entered lightly.
It will be exciting to one day find out what kind of man God pairs me up with! Which leads to the question... Is there
only one man out there for me? Of course, you can only marry
one man! ;) But is there
only one whom God has chosen for me? I'd like to think that there is; the God Who knows the end from the beginning can prepare a husband for me! God is sovereign; but He has also given us free will. If one person made a bad choice and married the wrong one, wouldn't that throw everyone off? I don't understand it all, and haven't figured it out, but I do trust that God will guide me to the right one to marry. And when I pray for my Dearest, I trust that God knows who I'm praying for, even though I don't. :)
It's easy to get distracted when you meet someone who seems to meet the "qualifications." It's crazy how quickly a girl's thoughts can jump to marriage! As people have said in the comments section, it is good to be friendly to a guy you're interested in - turning and running each time you see him would just make things worse. ;) There is a place for "guy-nudging" (encouraging him for who he is) as Eric Ludy writes about in
Authentic Beauty. But I do have to remember that just because someone would make a good husband, it doesn't mean he's the one for
me. Emotions easily fly ahead to thoughts of marriage (trying out his last name, imagining the ceremony... I know you've done it as well, try as we might not to!) but these must be guarded and reminded to wait.
Instead of making lists and dreaming about what I want my husband to be, I should use this time to ask God to shape me in to a woman who will make a good help meet for him.
I do pray for him every day, asking God to strengthen and bless him, wherever and whoever he is. I pray that God will teach him His ways and grow him into a valiant man of God.
When will my Dearest come for me, to woo my heart and win my hand? It would be nice if it's soon, but even if he takes years to get here, I'll be waiting.
And in the meantime, there are plenty of things to do...